Caretaker SLAUGHTERED!
by Pettie
Summary: Inspired by Dark's slaughterings of Endgame and Repressions. P/T and J/C, if you can hold on till the end.


Thanks so very much for reading this! This is just a little something I came up with the other day. I like getting reviews. They make me very happy. Rated R, because strong language is funny. I'd like to thank Snicker Luvs Crutchy for chatting with me while I did this and giving me awesome and honest reviews. So, thanks. I'll be honest, this isn't super funny, but it has it's moments. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: No matter how much I keep wishing, I still don't own Voyager, Star Trek, and all the wonderful characters. Boo hoo.

-/\-

_A Maquis ship is fighting a Cardassian ship near the Badlands. The abnormally small Maquis ship is losing. Surprise, surprise._

Chakotay: Fire phasers!

Tuvok: We don't have phasers!

Chakotay: Torres, I want phasers!

Torres: Sucks to be you, doesn't it?

Chakotay: (puppy dog face)Please?

_Torres contemplates._

Torres: Fine.

Chakotay: Yay!

Torres: I can't get phasers online. Sucks to be you again!

Chakotay: Shit! Well, fire photon torpedoes!

Tuvok: Stop yelling!

Chakotay: (whispers) Fire photon torpedoes!

Tuvok: We don't have those either!

Chakotay: Damn it! I'm piloting us into the Badlands, so we don't get killed.

Torres: (mutters) Coward…

Tuvok: Won't we get killed if we go in the badlands, too?

Chakotay: Maybe…

Torres: There's something coming towards us. It's really big 'n' stuff.

Chakotay: Shit.

_The Maquis ship disappears._

_Later, at a Federation Penal Settlement somewhere in New Zealand._

_Paris is working on a machine with some… GOD, HE LOOKS SO SEXY!!!!!_

Janeway: Tom Paris?

_Paris looks up and sees something with breasts for the first time in years._

Paris: Yes?

Janeway: I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the federation Starship Voyager.

_Janeway continues to pose with her hands on her hips while staring somewhere for a few minutes._

Paris: That's great. Is there a reason you're here?

Janeway: What? Oh! Yes! I need you to tell us where the Maquis are.

Paris: Why?

_Someone wolf whistles at Janeway._

Janeway: Let's go over there and I'll tell you all about it.

Paris: Sounds great!

_On their walk_

Janeway: My, er, 'friend', Tuvok, was on the Maquis ship that got lost in the badlands. We need you to come with us to track them, since you were a Maquis once.

Paris: Sounds great! I'll do anything to f*** some wom- I mean, get out of here…

Janeway: Awesome! That was easy.

Paris: Can I pilot Ahoyager?

Janeway: Voyager!

Paris: Whatever.

Janeway: Nope.

_Janeway leaves._

Paris: Damn it!

_On the shuttle to Deep Space Nine_

Paris to Stadi: You're hot. Wanna have sex?

Stadi: NO!

_Stadi punches him in the face, then continues piloting._

Stadi: (mutters) Men...

_After the shuttle docks on DS9_

Quark: You look like a gullible young man. Care to buy some worthless, over-priced gems.

Kim: NO! MY MOMMY WARNED ME ABOUT YOU!

Quark: Your Mother! I'm insulted! I'm gonna tell on you!

Kim: NO! PLEASE!

Paris: Stop fighting, babies.

Kim and Quark: We are not babies!

Paris to Kim: Come on.

Kim to Quark: HA HA!

Kim to Paris: Thanks.

Paris: Didn't your Mommy warn you about him?

_On Voyager (finally)_

Nameless Doctor to Nameless Nurse: Make sure this guy's not dead.

_Paris and Kim walk in_

Paris: … and she screamed, 'NO!' and punched me in the face.

Kim: Weird. That line always works for me.

_Don Knots appears._

Don Knots: I'm Don Knots, the head dog, the big cheese, the top banana!!! YOU LITTLE F***ERS!!!!!!!!!!!

_Don Knots disappears._

Kim: Did anybody else see that?!

Nameless Doctor to Paris: (coldly) Paris.

Paris: (confused) Doctor?

_They stare at each other._

Kim: Where the Hell did he come from?!?!? And where did he go?!?!?

Nameless Vulcan Nurse: You are being illogical. No one appeared here.

Kim: Don Knots was here!!!!!

Nameless Vulcan Nurse: ILLOGICAL!!!!!

_The nurse beats Kim with a hypospray, then walks away._

Paris: This is boring. C'mon, Kim. Let's go.

_Paris walks out, leaving Kim behind in a heap on the floor._

Nameless Doctor: (gesturing towards Kim) Will somebody clean this up?

_Nameless Doctor walks on top of Kim and walks away._

_Janeway is in her Ready Room talking to her fiancé, Mark Johnson._

Janeway: (giggling) No, I love you more, Sweettums!

Johnson: No, I love you more, Honey Bunch!

Janeway: Is my doggy pregers, or not, Snookums?

Johnson: She is, Sweetheart!

Janeway: Yay! You have to take care of her while I'm gone, Snuggles!

Johnson: Damn it! I mean, hooray…

_The computer beeps._

Janeway: There's someone here, Smoochie-poo. I've got to go. Love you.

_Q2 from Q2 appears._

Q2: I love you, too, Aunt Kathy!

_Q2 from Q2 disappears._

Johnson: Who the Hell was that?!

_Computer beeps louder._

Janeway: No one, Cuddles. Bye!

_Janeway cuts off the channel._

Janeway: Good thing he didn't discover me.

Computer: There's someone at the f***ing door!

Janeway: Oh really? Well let them in, then.

_Paris and Kim enter._

Janeway: What's happenin' peeps?

Paris: (shrugs) Nothin' much. You?

Kim: Uh, what's going on?

Janeway: Neh. (shrugs) Can't complain. What 'cha guys doin' here?

Kim: This is really freaking me out…

_A red-haired, pony-tailed girl (Let's call her April) appears._

April: (does a cart-wheel) I love Q…

_April disappears._

Kim: What the Hell is wrong with me?!

_Kim faints._

Paris: Damn it, Kim!

Janeway: Well, thanks for visiting and welcome aboard Voyager! I hope you enjoy your flight! Let me show you to the bridge.

_A flight attendant suit appears on Janeway. Confused, Paris follows and drags Kim behind him by the ear._

Janeway: Despite Star Fleet protocol, I prefer going by Captain. This is my First Officer, Commander Cavit. He goes by Commander, NOT SIR!

Cavit: Welcome aboard! (coldly) Paris.

Paris: (confused) Si-

Janeway: Ahem!

Paris: I mean, Commander?

_They stare at each other._

Janeway: This way please. This is your station, Ensign Kim.

_Paris slings Kim over the Ops consul._

Janeway: If you need any refreshments, please ask.

_Janeway's flight attendant suit disappears. W00T! Wait, she's wearing her uniform. Damn…_

Cavit: Lieutenant Stadi, lay in a course to a place, and make stuff happen.

Paris: (mumbles) Why couldn't she make stuff happen with me?

Stadi: Aye, Sir.

Cavit: NO! IT'S COMMANDER!!!!!

Stadi: (whimpers) Aye, Commander…

_Later in the Mess Hall._

Paris: Computer, tomato soup.

Computer: What kind of tomato soup?

Paris: Plain.

Computer: Hot or cold?

Paris: Uh, hot.

Computer: Crackers or no crackers?

Paris: No crackers!

Computer: Briefs or boxers?

Paris: Briefs. Wait, what?

Computer: HA! I SO TRICKED YOU, FOOL!

Paris: JUST GIMME MY FREAKING TOMATO SOUP!!!

Computer: What kind o-

_Paris shoots the replicator and goes to sit down by Kim._

Paris: Hey buddy!

Kim: Hi…

_April appears sitting next to them._

April: I HATE SCHOOL! F*** IT! F*** IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

_April disappears._

Kim: GAH! GET THEM OUT!!

_Kim starts rolling around on the ground, foaming at the mouth._

Paris: Uh, Kim? Oh! Women!

_Paris gets up and sits down with 3 random girls._

Paris: Hey ladies.

Random Girl #1: Hey.

Random Girl #2: Didn't you kill three officers in a shuttle crash? Then lie about it? Then face up to it?

Random Girl #3: Who the Hell cares? I think he's sexy AND I hear he's a good f***!

_Q2 from Q2 appears._

Q2: No women for you!

_Q2 disappears, taking the women with him._

Paris: NO!!!!!!!!!!

_Paris starts rolling on the ground, foaming at the mouth._

Computer: Paris and Kim! Get your asses to the Bridge! We're in the Badlands!

_Paris and Kim get up and leave, perfectly normal._

_Everybody's on Voyager's Bridge, searching for the Maquis._

Janeway: There were some plasma storms 'n' stuff, so they got forced over here, maybe…

Paris: That makes sense.

Cavit: But those Cardassian Bitches said they forced them into the Badlands where they were destroyed!

Janeway: Those Cardassian Bitches lied, cuz our probes didn't find any debris!

_April appears._

April: Those Damn Cardassian Bitches…

_April disappears. There's a thud._

Janeway: Was it Kim, again?

Paris: Betch ya he won't make it the first week stranded in the Delt- Uh, never mind.

Computer: There's something coming towards us. It's really big 'n' stuff.

Captain: Well, Shit!

Stadi: Adjusting course to avoid it.

Cavit: I didn't tell you to do that!

Stadi: Sorry, Sir!

Cavit: IT'S COMMANDER, BITCH!!!!!!!

_Cavit beats Stadi to bloody pulp._

Paris: Hey! You killed my women!

_Paris beats Cavit to a bloody pulp._

Kim: NO! THE VIOLENCE!

_Voyager is hit by the 'something'. After words, the ship is in shambles._

Janeway: Damn! Y'all's dead!

Paris: Yay! I get to be the pilot!

Janeway: For now, I guess.

Kim: Woot! I ain't dead!

Janeway: The proper grammar is 'I'm not dead', Mr. Kim.

Kim: But you just…

Janeway: I don't wanna hear your excuses!

Kim: Well, everything's broken and a lot of people are dead. And there's something out there.

All: Something?

Kim: It's on the view screen, now.

_The Caretaker's array appears on the screen._

Paris: What is it?

Kim: Didn't you read the text? It's the Caretaker's array. Oh, and we're stranded really far from where we were.

Janeway: That sucks balls.

Paris: And you would know.

Janeway: 'Scuse me?

Paris: Not that this isn't fun, but I'm gonna go see what's happening in Sickbay. C'mon Kim.

Janeway: I'm going to Engineering.

_They leave by turbolift to said places._

_Kim and Paris enter Sickbay._

Kim: Hark! The Doctor's dead!

Paris: Hark?

Kim: Look.

Paris: Oh! Yeah, I s'pose they are. What should we do about it?

Kim: I'm not detecting any life-signs on the Maquis ship…

Paris: Weren't you supposed to say that earlier?

Kim: I don't know.

Computer: ACTIVATE THE EMH ALREADY!!!!!!!

Kim: That's my line! Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram.

EMH: What's going on?

Paris: Everybody's dead.

EMH: That's a bitch. Where's your Doctor?

Paris: Dead. Along with our nurse.

EMH: That's another bitch.

Kim: Could you make these people not-dying now, please?

EMH: Sure. But only because you're so cute!

_The EMH pinches Kim's cheeks as he walks by._

_Janeway strides into Engineering._

Janeway: What's happening?

The Engineering Crew: Tales of girls and boys and girls and marsupials!

Tales of girls and boys and girls and marsupials!

dododododo...

baba

dododododo..

wahwahwahwah

baba

dodododo...

Tales of girls and boys and marsupials!

Girls and boys and marsupials!

Tales of girls and boys and boys and marsupials!

Tales of girls and boys and boys and marsupials!

Janeway: (clapping) Well, that was cute.

Carey: (crying) Everything's broken!!!! WAH!

Janeway: I'm gonna fix it alone, then.

Carey: I WANNA FIX IT!

Janeway: You had your chance!

Carey: YOU'RE A BITCH!

Janeway: Hell, yeah!

_Janeway snaps her fingers and everything's better._

Carey: Yay! Cookie!

_Everyone starts disappearing._

EMH: Where do you think you're going? I didn't give anyone permission to leave! GET BACK HERE!!!!!

_Where everyone disappeared to._

Janeway: We're home! Yay! I did it!

Paris: Yay! Lot's of women!

_Q2 appears._

Q2: I said no women!!!!

_Q2 disappears with all the women except Janeway._

Paris: Shit!

Janeway: I'm still here…

Paris: … Shitties!

Kim: You know, this is all an illusion…

All: F***!

Janeway: Where are we then?

Kim: Probably the array.

Janeway: Let's go treasure hunting!

All: Yeah!

Janeway: Paris, you and Kim go that way, arg!

Paris and Kim: Aye Cap'n, arg.

Kim: There's something really big over here, um, arg.

Random Lady (let's call her Petra) that Q2 "forgot": Let's go over here and dance!

Paris: Can we have sex after?

Petra: Sure!

Paris: Sounds good to me!

Kim: We have to find treasure, or else Cap'n will get mad at us!

Paris: (mutters) Party pooper… Fine, but she's still coming with us!

Petra: Yay!

Kim: Fine.

Random Old Lady (I like the name Helen): Corn on the cob?

Kim, Paris, and Petra: No thanks.

_Kim, Paris, and Petra arrive at a barn._

Kim: This is the really big thing I was talking about.

Paris: Let's go in.

Petra: No! Let's go get some food. And eat it. 'N' stuff.

Paris: Get out of the way.

Petra: 'Ight.

_Petra falls into Paris' arms._

Kim: Come on, Paris.

Paris: Damn!

Kim: Look at all the hay…

Paris: Yep…

Petra: Mmhhmm…

Paris: I wonder what's behind these doors.

Petra: YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!!!! I'M NOT READY FOR YOU YET!!!

_All the illusion people and Voyager crew appear around Paris._

Paris: Shit.

_The illusions attack Paris while everyone else opens the doors._

Janeway: Look! It's my part-time lo- I mean, long-time friend, Tuvok…

Kim: It's the Maquis! Oh my!

_Everyone falls unconscious, except for Paris who was beaten to unconsciousness. The Caretaker steals their DNA 'n' stuff. They had fun with that._

_Everybody wakes up back on Voyager._

Janeway: Well I feel like shit. Janeway to Bridge, do you guys feel like shit, too?

Paris: Yep, Captain. The Maquis ship is trying to get away.

Janeway: Tractor them. I wanna see if they have any hot guys onboard.

_Janeway reaches the Bridge._

Janeway to Chakotay: And where do you think you're going?

Chakotay: Nowhere. I was just gonna do circles around the array.

Janeway: Well, you can't. Are any of you guys missing?

Chakotay: My engineer, B'Elanna Torres, is.

Janeway: Our Ops officer, Harry Kim, is gone.

_At the Ocampan Hospital._

Kim: Yay! Someone said my first name!

_Back on Voyager._

Janeway: Why don't you beam over, and we can have s- I mean, try to find our crewmembers.

Chakotay: Sounds like a plan. Three of my possy will beam over.

_Chakotay, Tuvok, and Ayala beam over._

Random Ensign: LOOKOUT CAPTAIN! THEY'RE ARMED!

Janeway: No freaking duh! It's nice to see you again, Tuvok.

Chakotay: You're one of them?!?!

Tuvok: Yep. Ha! I tricked you!

Chakotay: Ass! That goes for you, too Paris!

Paris: Shut up!

Chakotay: I'll kill you!

Janeway: Leave 'em alone, or I won't let you sleep with me!

Chakotay: …Fine.

Tuvok: I'm smarter than you bitches! I know the Caretaker made that illusion. He's almost as smart as me.

Janeway: That is why you work for me!

Paris: Can we go get everyone back now?

Janeway: We should probably stall a bit more, to make the episode longer.

Chakotay: Probably.

Tuvok: Now what, then?

_Everyone looks around awkwardly._

Janeway: Ah, to Hell with it! Paris, Chakotay, Tuvok, You're all with me. Your other Maqui friend can stay here.

Ayala: Cool.

_On the Array/farm thingy._

Janeway: Here we are.

Paris: Yep.

Chakotay: Hark! Over there!

Paris: Hark?

Chakotay: It's an old man playing a banjo!

Paris: Sounds like fun.

Helen: Corn on the cob?

Janeway: Old man! Where's Kim?

Old Man: I'm not telling.

Chakotay: Where's Torres?

Old Man: I'm not telling!

Paris: Why not?

Old Man: NOT ENOUGH TIME!!

_Old man waves his hand and they appear on Voyager's Bridge._

Paris: Well, that was helpful.

_At the Ocamapan Hospital, Kim and Torres wake up._

Torres: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!

Kim: C-calm d-down-n…

Torres: NO!

_Torres attempts to open the sliding doors._

Torres: Nuh…

_The doors slide open._

Torres: Yes!

_Some Ocampans restrain her._

Torres: Shi-

_The Ocampans sedate her._

Kim: Uh….

_Kim notices the things growing on him and Torres._

Kim: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Kim faints._

_The Wombats appear._

The Wombats: LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION! AND CELEBTRATE-

_The Wombats disappear._

_Back on Voyager, in Janeway's Ready Room._

Computer: There's somebody at the door.

Janeway: Who is it?

Computer: Guess.

Janeway: I don't feel like it. Let them in.

Computer: * sigh * You're no fun.

_Tuvok enters the room._

Tuvok: The pulses are getting faster.

Janeway: Whose pulse?

Tuvok: The pulses the array is emitting.

Janeway: I found a planet with no water on it. So… Is that all you wanted to tell me?

Tuvok: I thought we should have a heart-to-heart talk or something, cuz there isn't anyone else who will.

Janeway: Your probably right. Harry Kim plays the clarinet, you know. His Mom told me. Did you know that?

Tuvok: Obviously, I never met him.

Janeway: I need to get us home.

Tuvok: You need to get some sleep.

Janeway: I spoke to your family before we left. They were stoned, but we had a good time.

Tuvok: I'm gonna leave now.

Janeway: I'll get you back to them. That's a promise, Tuvok.

_Tuvok leaves._

_Later, on the bridge._

Tuvok: There's a debris field ahead.

Janeway: Oo! Let's go exploring!

Tuvok: There's a ship here, too.

Janeway: Let's talk to them.

Neelix: (over view screen) THIS IS MY DEBRIS!

Janeway: I don't want it. We were just exploring. I'm Captain Janeway. Can you help us find our friends?

Neelix: Let me guess. You were somehow whisked away here and now your people are missing?

Janeway: Yep. Can you help us?

Neelix: I won't help you unless you give me water!

Janeway: Fine. We'll beam you onboard. Then you can take us to our crewmen.

Neelix: Beam?

Janeway: We'll, um, magically bring you aboard our ship. We're, uh, wizards.

Neelix: Oh, really?

_In the Transporter Room._

Tuvok: Invigorate.

Random Transporter Chief (Let's call him Jack): Wha?

Tuvok: Just beam that idiot over here.

Jack: 'Ight, dog.

Neelix: Wow, that was fun!

Tuvok: I hate you. But I have to take you to your quarters. C'mon.

Neelix: Oo! Pretty doors! What astonishing walls!

_Back at the Ocampan Hospital._

_Torres finally wakes up to see Kim sitting on the other bed._

Torres: WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HOLDING ME HERE?!

Kim: I-I'm Harry K-Kim. I-I'm not-t the one h-holding you here.

Torres: Oh…

_Torres starts banging on the doors._

Kim: They're going to sedate you again…

Torres: SHUT IT, STAR FLEET!

Kim: What's your problem?

Torres: I'm half Klingon.

_An Ocampan Doctor comes in._

Ocampan Doctor: I brought you some clothes to change in to. I'm gonna show you the city. We're gonna eat stuff, too.

Kim: Sounds like fun!

_Later at the courtyard._

Kim: OMG! We're underground!

O.D.: Yep. We have been here for lots of generations.

Torres: Why are all these people watching us?

O.D.: It's really because they think you're hot, but I'm supposed to say because you're from the Caretaker. Here's some food from our Caretaker. He does everything for us.

Kim: Why did your Caretaker send us here.

O.D.: Duh. Because you're sick.

Torres: So your Caretaker can build all this for you and provide you energy and stuff, but he can't cure us? Besides, we weren't sick until we got here.

O.D.: Oh…

Kim: Can we talk to some other people who've had this "disease"?

O.D.: We don't really know how to cure it. We just like to pretend we do. So all the others died.

_Meanwhile, in Neelix's quarters._

Computer: Hey, stupid! There's someone at the door!

Neelix: La la la la la, I'm taking a bath! La la la…

Computer: GAH! I'm letting him in anyway!

_Tuvok enters._

Tuvok: Somebody was hungry. Neelix! We're finally at the planet we've been traveling towards forever!

Neelix: Okay! I have to talk to the people down there and save my girlfriend. We need drugs to trade for her.

Tuvok: How will this help us find our people?

Neelix: Uh, my girlfriend might know where they are, I guess…

_Later, on the desert planet._

Paris: Ugh. Why do these idiots live here?

Neelix: There's some minerals and stuff they're selling.

Neelix to Kazon: My friends! It's good to see you again!

_The Kazon take their phasers, throw the Voyager officers against some rocks, and point their weapons at Neelix._

Neelix: Javon! I have drugs! To replace all that I borrowed!

_Javon tests the drugs._

Javon (Kazon Leader): What a rush! Do you have more?

Janeway: Janeway to Voyager. Energize.

_Two large containers of drugs appear._

Janeway: We can give you more if you help us.

Javon: What do you want?

Janeway: I'm not sure why he brought us to you, but I think we're looking for the Ocampa.

Javon: She is Ocampa!

_Javon points to Kes._

Javon: They're worthless. They only live nine years and they don't like drugs! They live underground and we can't get to them. That thing in space gives 'em energy. I'll bet they could get great drugs from it…

Neelix: Let us trade you drugs for this worthless being.

Javon: Can I have the technology that makes it?

Janeway: Nope. Sorry.

_Neelix attacks Javon and puts a weapon to his neck._

Neelix: Tell them to drop their weapons! Drop them!

Javon: Do it!

Janeway: That's my line!

_The Voyager officers get up and Neelix shoots the containers._

Neelix: Ha! No drugs for you! (to Kes) C'mon!

Janeway: Six to beam up!

_The away team disappears, leaving the poor Kazons scrambling for drugs. _

_Back in the Transporter room._

Neelix to Kes: My dearest, didn't I promise I'd save you?

_Neelix and Kes kiss. Tuvok and Chakotay look uncomfortable. Janeway looks astonished. Paris looks jealous._

_Meanwhile(?) in the Ocampan city._

Kim: I'm sure our friends will get us out of here soon.

Torres: What makes you think they're not dead?

Kim: Pessimist.

Torres: Optimist. And quit leaning close to me like that.

_Torres starts grabbing her neck and moaning._

Random Ocampan Girl: Are you in pain?

Torres: What made you think that?

Random Ocampan Girl (How about… Linda?): I brought you some medicine. It probably won't help, but I wanted to be a part of the show.

Kim; Do you know how we can get out of here?

Linda: There are some tunnels that you can get out through. There might be a hole in the barrier. You're gonna have to dig through lots of rocks, I think…

Torres: Thank you!

_Meanwhile(?) in Voyager's Sickbay._

Tuvok: Why didn't you tell us what you were planning?!

Neelix: I don't know. I thought it'd be more fun not to.

Paris: He has a point.

Kes: Don't blame my boyfriend!

EMH: Everybody out! I have… stuff to do!

Janeway: Computer, end Emergency Holographic Program.

Computer: Why do I have to do everything around here?!

_The EMH disappears._

Janeway: Will you take us underground to help us find our crewmen?

Kes: Sure.

Neelix: You're most endearing.

Tuvok: We can't find the civilization, though.

Chakotay: Let's just find one of those breaches and beam in that way. Seemed pretty obvious to me.

Neelix: Kes and I are leaving this system together.

Janeway: NO YOU AIN'T BITCHES!

Kes and Neelix: Kay…

_In the Ocampan city again._

Tuvok: The pulses are increase again.

Janeway: That's nice.

Dagon: Kes!

Kes: Dagon!

Neelix: Neelix!

Kes: Have any new people been beamed down here?

Dagon: Just to save time, they have you're crewmen and they're trying to get to the surface.

Janeway: Thank you! Let's go, peeps!

_In the tunnels._

Torres: C'mon, Star Fleet.

Kim: It's awfully high up. What if we fall?

Torres: Who's the pessimist now?!

Kim: * sniff *

Torres: I don't feel like having a heart-to-heart talk with you, so let's just skip to Janeway and her friends.

_You heard the woman._

Janeway: Janeway to Voyager. What's going on with the array?!

Same Random Ensign from Earlier: It's no longer sending out pulses, sir. It's realigning it's position.

Janeway: I thought I told you bitches to call me Captain! Besides, we already knew that! Janeway out.

Random Ensign (Fred? Fred.): Voyager to Janeway. The Caretaker's trying to seal the barrier.

Tuvok: I know why! The Caretaker's dying and he's been sending the Ocampa extra reserves. He's sealing the barrier to protect them from the Kazon. He's been taking ships here to find a mate so his offspring can take care of the Ocampans. BAM! Betcha couldn't figure that one out!

Janeway: I'll bet we can't beam back up. I don't wanna waste time trying, so let's just go up via the tunnels.

_In the tunnels._

Janeway: Janeway to Paris. The transporters ain't working. We're getting there through the tunnels.

Paris: * sigh * Fine. Paris out.

Paris: (dramatically) I see them.

_Let's save time by telling you shortly what happens. Paris, Neelix and Kes help Torres and Kim to the surface. Chakotay, Janeway, and Tuvok eventually get up, too._

_Later in sickbay._

Janeway: Janeway to Chakotay. Everything's better. You can go back to your ship now.

_Chakotay and Torres, who is somehow in her Maqusi clothes, leave Sickbay. Kim and Paris (Why the Hell is he there?!) are right behind._

EMH: Why are you bitches are so freaking difficult?! And why can't you turn off my freaking program?! GAH!

_On the bridge._

Janeway: Bring the weapons online!

Paris: Why?

Janeway: I wanted to give some command and that's the first one I thought of. RED ALERT!

Paris: Um, why?

Janeway: I like the dark lights. It makes me feel a superhero.

Tuvok: The Kazon are hailing us.

Janeway: Why didn't we see their ships on the planet?

Tuvok: You're not supposed to think about that.

Janeway: Oh. Well, on screen.

Javon to Janeway: What the Hell are you doing here?

Janeway: Politely asking the Caretaker to get us home.

Javon: Oh. I don't want you to.

Janeway: Why not?

Javon: Um, I'm just mean like that, I guess.

Janeway: Oh. Well, I'm going to anyway. Janeway out.

Tuvok: They're firing on us.

Janeway: Fire back.

_The ships battle each other._

Janeway: Janeway to Chakotay. Hold off the Kazon for me. I'm about to do something really dramatic. Janeway out.

Janeway to Paris: (dramatically) Paris. Take the con.

Paris: Yes ma'm!

Janeway: That's Captain. Let's go Tuvok.

Tuvok: To where?

Janeway: The array.

Tuvok: I don't wanna!

Janeway: They have popsicles! Your favorite!

Tuvok: Oo! Coming!

_On the array._

Tuvok: Here's the data processing system. I'll go see if they have any popsicles.

Janeway: Check to see if we can get home, too.

_Janeway dramatically (Seeing a theme here?) walks over to the old man from earlier._

Old man: What do you want?

Janeway: I wanna go home. * sniff *

Old man: I'm too tired.

Janeway: You're gonna die soon, aren't ya?

Old man: No, I'm just going on a vacation.

Janeway: Oh. Can you send us home afterwords?

Old man: Can you wait about 100,000 years?

Janeway: …No.

Old man: Then I can't.

Janeway: …Bastard.

Tuvok: Captain, I can't find the popsicles. Oh, and this place is gonna blow up soon. I didn't even know what flavor they were…

Janeway: Can you stop it?

Old man (Screw that!) Caretaker: If I don't blow this place up, the Kazon will make the Ocampans have drugs.

Janeway: But we wanna go home. So, can't you take us home first and then destroy the array?

Caretaker: Yes, but that'd be too easy. The show would be over too fast.

Fred: Fred to Janeway. I think Chakotay's drunk, cuz he's flying towards the Kazon ship. The Kazon ship's gonna hit the array if they do.

Janeway: Well, shit.

_On the nameless Maqui ship._

Chakotay: Wee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Torres: I'm drunk!! WOO!!!!!

_Back on the array._

_Janeway stands up._

Janeway: Well, you suck, and I hate you! We'll find our own way home! Janeway to Fred. Beam us back.

Tuvok: I want popsicles…

_Back on Voyager._

Janeway: Beam the Maquis aboard before their ship hits the Kazon vessel. Hee! Vessel! That's a fun word!

_After the Maquis are beamed aboard._

Janeway: LET'S DO THIS SCENE IN SLOW MOTION!

_In slow motion._

Janeway: Tuuu-vokk. Fiiire soooome toooorpeeedoes at the aaaarray.

Tuvok: Aaaye, Caaapp'n.

Paris: Paaancaaakessss!

_Okay, back to normal._

Torres: You can't destroy our only way home, bitch!

Janeway: Why, yes I can bitch!

Torres: Who do you think you are, bitch!

Chakotay: She's the Captain, bitch!

_Torres sulks._

Paris: Wanna have sex, bitch?!

Torres: Sounds great, bitch!

_Torres and Paris leave. The array is successful destroyed._

_In Janeway's ready room._

Janeway: I'm depressed and lonely! Janeway to Paris! Come to my ready room! Janeway out.

Computer: You can't see him! He's f***ing Torres!

Janeway: Shit!

Computer: He's here.

_Paris enters, his face covered in Torres' lipstick_

Paris: Yes, Captain?

Janeway: Um, er, uh, you get to be Chief Helmsman!

Paris: Hell yeah!

Janeway: Get out. I mean, dismissed.

_Paris leaves._

Janeway: Janeway to Chakotay. Could you come to my ready room…

_Later on the bridge, Janeway is attempting to give a speech, but is covered in Chakotay's lipstick kissy-marks. (Don't tell me you haven't noticed he wears it!)_

Janeway: We're alone. In the Dellie-

Tuvok: (whispers) Delta.

Janeway: Right! In the Delta Qua- Qua-

Tuvok: (whispers) Quadrant.

Janeway: Exactly! In the Delta Quadrant! We've aleady made some fri- fr-

Tuvok: (annoyed whipsers) Friends!

Janeway: Ah, to Hell with it! Paris, stop making out with Torres and set a course for Earth! Or home! Or wherever, I don't even care any-

_Chakotay pounces on Janeway and they make out. Kim faints._

Helen: Corn on the Cob?

-/\-

THE GLORIOUS END!

the end.


End file.
